True union with, as Fromm says, the object of love is the result of persistent and active pursuit. facing towards what we love. To actively act means to generously and lovingly give to others everything that lives within us: if we give that, we develop the art of love.* * *The book “The Art of Love” aims to convince the reader that all their efforts in love will surely fail if they do not actively try to develop their entire personality in order to achieve a productive orientation; that pleasure in individual love cannot be attained without the ability to love one’s neighbor, without true humility, courage, belief, and discipline.
Most people perceive the problem of love primarily as the problem of being loved, and only then as the problem of loving, as the problem of one’s ability to love. That is why the problem for them is: how to be loved, how to be worthy of love… People believe that loving is easy, but it is difficult to find the right object of love, or the right person who would love us.
Our whole culture is based on the appetite for buying, on the idea of mutually beneficial exchange. …For a man, a woman is attractive because she is capable of satisfying his physical desires, and for a woman, a man is attractive because he is capable of satisfying her material needs and protecting her. A girl, and an attractive man a reward they seek. “Attractive” usually means a handsome package of qualities that are popular and in demand in the personality market. What specifically makes a personality attractive depends on the fashion of the time, both in the physical and spiritual sense. There is hardly any activity or endeavor that begins with such great hopes and expectations, like love, and yet so regularly ends in disappointment. If this were the case with any other activity, people would be curious about the reasons for this failure and what a person could do to improve it – or simply give up trying. Since the latter is impossible when it comes to love, it seems that there is only one way to overcome failure in love – to explore the reasons for this failure and to continue studying the meaning of love. The first step in this endeavor is the realization that love is an art, just as life is an art… Love is an active preoccupation with life and the growth of what we love. Where that active engagement stops, love ceases to exist. There is a lack of belongingness, a lack of love. The basic need to unite with another person in order to overcome the imprisonment of our own separateness is closely related to another specific human desire, the desire to understand the “secret of man”. While life in its mere biological form is marvelous and mysterious, man is an enigma to himself – and to his fellow man. The yearning to understand ourselves and our fellow human beings is expressed in the inscription at Delphi: “Know thyself”. This is the main impetus of every psychology. However, if we want to know the whole person, his most intimate secret, this desire can never be fulfilled by ordinary intellectual knowledge. Even if we knew a thousand times more about ourselves, we would never reach the bottom. We would still remain an enigma to ourselves, just as our fellow man would remain an enigma to us. The only way to complete understanding can be found in the act of love: this act surpasses thought, it surpasses words. Love is not primarily a relationship with a specific person: it is an attitude, an orientation towards the character that decides on a person’s connection with the world as a whole, and not with one “object” of love. If a person loves only one person and is indifferent towards everyone else, their love is not love but rather a symbiotic attachment, or enlarged egotism. If I truly love someone, I love all people, I love the world, I love life. Can I tell someone “I love you” and mean that I must also be able to say “I love everyone in you, I love the world through you, I love myself in you”. It is not only others, but we ourselves are also the “object” of our feelings and understandings; attitudes towards others and towards oneself, far from any contradiction, are fundamentally connected. In relation to the problem being discussed, this means that love for others and love for oneself are not alternatives. On the contrary, the attitude of self-love will be established in those who are capable of loving others. Love is an activity, not a passive affection, it is “staying” rather than “falling in love”. Most generally, the active character of love can be expressed by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving. Giving is the highest expression of power. In the act of giving itself, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. The feeling of increased vitality and power fills me with joy. I see myself as rich, as someone who spends, who is alive and therefore happy. Giving is more joyful than receiving, not because it is deprivation, but because it highlights my liveliness. Mature love is a union that preserves one’s own integrity, one’s individuality. Love is an active human force, a force that breaks down the walls that separate a person from their loved ones, that unites them with others. Love helps a person overcome the feeling of loneliness and separation, yet allows them to be themselves, to maintain their integrity. In love, a paradox occurs where two beings become one, yet remain two. Loving someone is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, a judgment, a promise. If love was only a feeling, there would be no reason to promise. We will love each other forever. True love is an expression of productivity and it implies care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. It is not a mere “affection” in the sense that someone is “infatuated” with someone else, but an active effort for the growth and happiness of the loved one, rooted in one’s own capacity to love. Care, responsibility, respect, and understanding are interdependent. They represent a viewpoint syndrome that can be found in a mature person, that is, in someone who develops their own strengths productively, who wants to have only what they have worked for, who has abandoned narcissistic dreams of omniscience and omnipotence, who has arrived at humbleness based on inner strength, which can only be provided by true productive activity. Despite the deeply rooted longing for love, almost everything else is considered more important than love: success, prestige, money, power – we use almost all our energy to learn how to achieve these goals, and we put very little effort into mastering the art of love. However, the most important The area of giving is not an area of material goods, but rather one within the specific domain of human beings. What does one person give to another? They give of themselves, from the most precious thing they have, they give from their life. This does not necessarily mean that they sacrifice their life for another person – but rather that they give them what lives within them; they give them their joys, their interests, understanding, knowledge, humor, sadness – all the expressions and manifestations of what lives within them. Through this giving of their life, they enrich the other person, they enhance the vitality of the other, while also enhancing their own. A person loves what they strive for, and they strive for what they love. Care and interest contain another aspect of love: responsibility. Today, the word responsibility is often used to mean obligation, something imposed on a person from the outside. But responsibility, in its true meaning, is a completely voluntary act; it is a response to the needs, expressed or unexpressed, of another human being. To be “responsible” means to be capable and willing to “respond” “If I truly love someone, I love all people, I love the world, I love life. Can I say to someone ‘I love you’, it means I must be able to say ‘I love everyone in you, I love the world through you, I love myself within you’. The pseudo-love form, which is not rare and is often experienced (and even more commonly depicted in movies and novels) as ‘great love’, is idolatrous love. If a person has not reached a level where they possess a sense of identity, a sense of ‘self’ rooted in productive development of their own strengths, they tend to ‘idolize’ the loved one. They are alienated from their own strengths and project them onto the loved person, whom they worship as the highest good, as the bearer of unconditional love, all light, complete passion. In this process, they deprive themselves of any sense of power, they lose themselves in the loved one instead of finding themselves. Since usually no person can meet the expectations of their (or their own) idolatrous worshipper for long, disappointment can occur and then a new idol is sought as a cure, sometimes.” in an endless circle. Love is only possible if two people communicate with each other from the center of their existence and if each person experiences themselves from the center of their being. Only in this “central experience” is human reality found, only here is vitality, only here is the foundation of love. Love, experienced in this way, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a place of constant activity, growth, and joint effort; whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness between two people who experience themselves from the center of their existence is secondary to the fundamental fact that they are identical with themselves instead of escaping from themselves. There is only one proof of the presence of love: the depth of the connection, as well as the vitality and strength of both lovers. This is the fruit by which love is recognized. The most basic type of love, which lies at the core of all types of love, is brotherly love. By this term, I mean a sense of responsibility, care, respect, as well as knowing each other.
Is love an art? If it is, it requires knowledge and effort. Or is love a pleasant feeling that arises by chance, something that “takes over” a person if they are lucky? This small book is based on the first assumption, while today most people undoubtedly believe in the second.
As the title suggests, Fromm approaches love in this book as an art, as a sublime and noble emotion that awakens in a person the need to get to know oneself – through the object of love.
Fromm distinguishes several types or objects of love: fraternal, maternal, erotic, love for oneself, love for God, but concludes that we cannot give love if we do not love ourselves in a productive way, which means allowing ourselves personal growth and development. He calls this self-love. Only then can other aspects of love be present.
Genuine union with, as Fromm says, the object of love is the result of persistent and active action towards what we love. To act actively means to generously and lovingly give to others everything that lives within us: if we give that, we develop the art of love.
* * *
The book “The Art of Loving” aims to convince the reader that all their efforts regarding love will surely fail if they do not actively try to develop their entire personality in order to achieve a productive orientation; that satisfaction in individual love cannot be achieved without the ability to love one’s neighbor, without true humility, courage, belief, and discipline.
Most people understand the problem of love primarily as the problem of being loved, and only then as the problem of loving, as the problem of one’s ability to love. Therefore, for them, the problem is: how to be loved, how to be worthy of love… People believe that loving is easy, but finding true love is difficult. the object of love, or the right person who would love us.
Our entire culture is based on a craving for buying, on the idea of mutually beneficial exchange. …For a man, an attractive girl, and for a woman, an attractive man is the reward they seek. “Attractive” usually means a pleasing package of characteristics that are popular and in demand in the personality market. What specifically makes a personality attractive depends on the fashion of the time, both physically and spiritually.
There is hardly any activity or endeavor that begins with such great hopes and expectations as love, and yet it so regularly fails. If this were the case with any other activity, people would be curious about the reasons for this failure and what a person could do to improve it – or they would simply give up all efforts. Since the latter is impossible when it comes to love, it seems that there is only one way to overcome the failure in love – to explore the reasons for this failure and to continue studying the meaning of love. The first step in this endeavor is the realization that love is an art, just as life is an art…
Love is an active engagement with life and the growth of what we love. Where this active engagement is lacking, there is no love.
The fundamental need to unite with another person in order to overcome the confinement of our own separateness is closely connected to another specific human desire, the desire to know the “mystery of man”. While life in its mere biological form is marvelous and mysterious, man is an unfathomable mystery to himself – and to his neighbor.
The longing to know oneself and one’s neighbor is expressed in the inscription at Delphi “Know thyself”. This is the main motive of every psychology. But if we want to know the whole person, his most intimate secret, this desire can never be fulfilled through ordinary intellectual knowledge. Even if we knew a thousand times more about ourselves, we would never reach the bottom. We would still remain an enigma to ourselves, just as our neighbor would remain an enigma to us. The closest one remains an enigma. The only way to fully understand it is through the act of love: this act goes beyond thought, it goes beyond words.
Love is not primarily a relationship with a particular person: it is a mindset, a character orientation that determines a person’s connection to the world as a whole, not just to one “object” of love.
If a person loves only one person and is indifferent towards everyone else, their love is not love but rather a symbiotic attachment or exaggerated egotism.
If I truly love someone, I love all people, I love the world, I love life. Can I say to someone “I love you” without being able to say “I love everyone in you, I love the world through you, I love myself in you”?
Not only others, but we ourselves are also the “object” of our feelings and understanding; our attitudes towards others and towards ourselves, far from being contradictory, are fundamentally connected. In relation to the problem being discussed, this means that love for others and love for oneself are not alternatives. On the contrary, the attitude of love towards Self will be established among all those who are capable of loving others.
Love is an activity, not a passive affection, it is “staying”, not “falling in love”. Most generally, the active nature of love can be expressed by the statement that love is primarily about giving, not receiving.
Giving is the highest expression of power. In the act of giving, I experience my own strength, my own wealth, my own power. This experience of increased vitality and power fills me with joy. I experience myself as abundant, as someone who spends, who is alive and therefore joyful. Giving is more joyful than receiving, not because it is deprivation, but because in the act of giving, my vitality comes to the fore.
Mature love is a union that preserves one’s own integrity, one’s own individuality. Love is an active human force, a force that breaks down the walls that separate a person from their loved ones, that unites them with others. Love helps a person overcome the feeling of loneliness and separation, yet it allows them to maintain their own individuality. To be oneself, to retain one’s integrity. In love, a paradox occurs where two beings become one, yet they remain two.
To love someone is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, judgment, promise. If love were just a feeling, there would be no reason to promise to love each other forever.
True love is an expression of productivity and implies care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. It is not just an “affection” in the sense that someone is “infatuated” with someone else, but an active endeavor for the growth and happiness of the loved one, an endeavor rooted in one’s own ability to love.
Care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge are interdependent. They represent the perspective syndrome that can be found in a mature person, that is, in a person who develops their own productive strengths, who only wants what they have worked for, who has rejected narcissistic dreams of omniscience and omnipotence, who has reached humility based on inner strength, which can only be provided by true productive effort. activity.
Despite a deep-rooted longing for love, almost everything else is considered more important than love: success, prestige, money, power – we use most of our energy to find out how to achieve these goals, and we make very little effort to master the art of love.
However, the most important area of giving is not the realm of material goods, but it is in the specifically human domain. What does one person give to another? They give themselves, their most precious possession, they give of their life. This does not necessarily mean that they sacrifice their life for the other person – but rather that they give them what lives within them; they give them their joys, their interests, their understanding, knowledge, humor, sadness – all expressions and manifestations of what lives within them. By giving of their life in this way, they enrich the other person, they enhance their vitality, while also enhancing their own.
A person loves what they invest effort in, and they invest effort in what they love. Care and interest contain another aspect of love: respons Responsibility. Today, the word responsibility is often used in the sense of obligation, something that is imposed on a person from the outside. But responsibility, in its true meaning, is a completely voluntary act; it is a response to the needs, expressed or unexpressed, of another human being. To be “responsible” means to be capable and willing to “respond”.
If I truly love someone, I love all people, I love the world, I love life. Can I say to someone, “I love you,” without also being able to say, “I love everyone in you, I love the world through you, I love myself in you.”
The form of pseudo-love that is not uncommon and is often experienced (and even more frequently portrayed in movies and novels) as “great love” is idolatrous love. If a person has not reached a level where they possess a sense of identity, a sense of “self” rooted in the productive development of their own abilities, they tend to “idolize” the person they love. They are alienated from their own strengths and project them onto the loved one, whom they worship as the highest good, as the carrier of all their desires. Boundless love, radiant light, complete enthusiasm. In this process, she deprives herself of any feeling of strength, losing herself in the beloved instead of finding herself. Since usually no person can satisfy the expectations of their (or their) idolatrous worshipper for long, disappointment may occur and then a new idol is sought as a remedy, sometimes in an endless cycle.
Love is only possible if two people communicate with each other from the core of their existence and if each experiences themselves from the center of their being. Only in this “central experience” is human reality found, only here is vitality, only here is the foundation of love. Love, experienced in this way, is a continuous challenge; it is not a place of rest but a place of constant activity, growth, and joint effort; whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sorrow between two people is secondary to the fundamental fact that they experience themselves from the core of their existence, that they are identical to themselves instead of running away from themselves. There is only one proof of the presence of love: the depth of the connection, and the longevity and strength of both lovers. This is the fruit by which love is recognized.
The most basic kind of love, which lies at the foundation of all types of love, is brotherly love. By this term, I mean a feeling of responsibility, care, respect, as well as knowing every other human being and wanting to improve their life. Brotherly love is a love that encompasses all human beings: it is characterized by the absence of exclusivity. Brotherly love achieves the experience of unity with all people, the experience of human solidarity, human reconciliation. Brotherly love is based on the experience that we are all one. Differences in talents, intelligence, knowledge, can be overlooked in comparison to the human essence that is common to all humans. In order to experience this sameness, we need to penetrate from the periphery to the core. If I only see the surface in another person, I mainly see differences, what separates us. If I reach the core, I see the sameness in all people. I celebrate our sameness, the fact of our brotherhood.
Finally, in order to master any skill, that mastery of skill must be of the utmost importance to us. If skill is not the most important thing for a student, they will never master it.