Recently, I had a very interesting conversation with an eighteen-year-old girl who, at one point, mentioned with regret in her voice that it would be very difficult for her to remain friends with someone who has completely different opinions on things that matter to her. She said she is not entirely sure if ‘removing’ them from her friends list is the right thing to do, but she is trying to find the right approach to this dilemma.
Her words express something that has become an increasing problem in recent years, although it has always existed and has certainly led to a lot of bloodshed in history: how to deal with people around us who think differently about important issues of our time?
One reason why this affects us so deeply is that opposing views can seem threatening to our identity. Generally, we mainly base our identity on what we think and believe. It seems that the conclusion follows from ‘I think, therefore I am’: “What I think makes me who I am.” There is certainly a universal significance to this. The quote from the Chandogya Upanishad (III, xiv, I) states that “Man is a creation of thoughts. What he thinks in this life, becomes that.”
However, does this mean that a person who holds opposing opinions on Brexit, Trump, vaccination, football teams, abortion, LGBTQ rights, religion, politics, etc., cannot be a good person? In that case, does believing in one thing equate to having a good character, and believing in the opposite equate to having a bad character? Isn’t it possible for people to have a good character despite having completely different views on life?
Let’s look at an example that most people no longer identify with (unless they live in Northern Ireland): the difference between Protestants and Catholics. They essentially share the same Christian faith but have different views on certain doctrinal issues. For centuries (and it’s still ongoing), they have fought against each other, sometimes violently, often burning each other at the stake, or by denying each other equal rights and opportunities. However, it is not difficult to imagine that on both sides there are kind, fair, loyal, honest, and moral people.
So, what is more important in friendship? Whether a person is kind and of good character or whether they are a Protestant or a Catholic? Since we no longer identify with this question, we would probably easily say: I don’t care if they are a Catholic or a Protestant, what matters to me is that they are a caring, loyal friend whom I can trust. But in times of hostility between two religions, this would probably be just as difficult as the friendship between the Capulet and Montague families in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. There will always be a ‘battle’ between different perspectives, ideas, and life attitudes. This is what has shaped human history. All life questions can be seen from at least two different points of view. We cannot all think and believe the same. That would actually be so boring, unfruitful, and unnatural.
So, what could our attitude towards these sometimes very painful situations be? differences in thinking and perspective? Perhaps accepting that conflict is a necessary part of life and learning to embrace differences. Maybe placing more importance on character than beliefs. Perhaps remembering that no one ‘owns the truth’ and that there are no absolutes in this world – in other words, there is no absolute right or wrong, true or false. Maybe remembering that even experts and scientists do not always agree and understand everything.
And finally, perhaps we should nurture the spirit of these words attributed to Voltaire, which were actually written by one of his biographers: “I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”