Plutarch, a Greek philosopher and biographer, was born around 46 in Chaeronea in Boeotia, at a time when Greek culture was in decline. Due to his great erudition and noble character, he gained much respect not only in Greece but also in Rome. For many years, he served as a priest in the most famous ancient oracle – the one in Delphi. He died around 120.
About half of his vast body of work consists of the famous Parallel Lives, while the other group consists of ethical writings known as Moralia. The following letter from Plutarch was written during one of his journeys when he received news that his beloved three-year-old daughter had passed away. Far from home, he wrote a comforting letter to his wife. In it, we can recognize two Plutarchs. One is the philosopher Plutarch who approaches the phenomenon of death with wisdom, and the other is the parent Plutarch who cannot hide the pain of losing his cherished daughter.
As for the messenger you sent to inform me about the death of our My dear daughter, it seems that he has lost his way because he went to Athens. But when I arrived in Tanagra, I learned from my niece. I assume that the funeral has already been conducted. I want whatever has been done not to be a reason for your dissatisfaction, neither now nor in the future. However, if you have intentionally left something for me to judge, thinking that it would be better to decide in my presence, I earnestly ask you to do so without exaggeration and false gestures that, I know, are not true to you.
Just, my dear wife, let you and I patiently endure our sorrow. I know very well and understand the loss we have suffered; but if I were to find you excessively grieving, it would be a greater misfortune for me than what has happened. Because I am neither a stump nor a stone; and you know that very well, I was your help in raising so many children that we raised at home, taking care of them ourselves. This daughter was born after four sons, when you longed to have a daughter, which prompted me to name her after you. So, I know that she was particularly dear to you. And sorrow must be especially difficult for a soul that is tenderly attached to children when you remember how cheerful and innocent she was, she never got angry or complained. She was gentle by nature and marvelously compassionate. And her gratitude and kindness not only brought us happiness but also showed her noble nature. (…)
My dear wife, I see no reason why memories of these and similar things that brought us such joy when she was alive should now sadden us when she is dead. However, I also fear that, as we give up grieving, we will forget her (…) Because nature always avoids those things that are unpleasant. But since our daughter gave our feelings the sweetest and magical pleasure, we should cherish the memory of her, which will in many ways contribute – or rather, contribute in many ways – more to our joy than our sorrow. And it is only fair that the same reasons we often gave for others should also support us, as we It seeks this time, so we should not sit dull and hide the joys that we have tasted accumulating their new pains.
Moreover, those who attended the funeral express admiration that you did not surrender to mourning, nor disfigure yourself, nor any of your maidservants; there were no expensive preparations or grandeur, but everything was done in silence and measured, and only family was present. And it doesn’t seem strange to me that you, who never used to dress luxuriously for the theater or other public festivities, considering that such splendor is empty and useless, even in joyful occasions, now showed moderation in this sad situation. Because a virtuous woman should maintain her purity, not only at wild parties, but also within herself she should think this way: that the storm in her soul during strong sadness should be calmed with patience, which does not diminish a parent’s love for their children, as many think, but only prevents the development of disturbed and unnatural passions of the soul. Because we allow this love to tvojih prijateljica, tako i kod njegovih kolega. I zbog toga te volimo, draga ženo, i zbog toga te poštujemo, jer si ti primjer skromnosti i umjerenosti u svemu što radiš. Nema potrebe da patiš i jadikuješ zbog izgubljene djece, jer znamo da si ti bila najbolja majka koju su oni ikada imali. Tvoja tuga je razumljiva, ali ne smijemo dozvoliti da nas ona ovlada i navede na neprikladno ponašanje. Umjesto toga, trebamo te podržati i pružiti ti utjehu u ovom teškom trenutku. Tvoja snaga i hrabrost su nam inspiracija, i zajedno ćemo se suočiti s ovim izazovom. both in ritual sacrifices and in public appearances in the theater. Earlier, you also showed great resilience of spirit in a similar situation, when you lost your eldest son; and again when our beloved Heron left us. Because I remember receiving the news of our son’s death while returning home with some friends and guests who had accompanied me home, and when they found everything in its place and noticed the deep silence everywhere – as they later told others – they thought that the tragedy had not occurred, but that the news was false. So calmly did you go about your household chores then, when one would expect great confusion and disorder. (…)
As we can see, most other women receive their children in their arms like toys, with feminine joy and exuberance; and later, if it happens that they die, they bathe them in vain and excessive grief. This is not a confirmation of their love, because that gentle passion acts constantly and unobtrusively, but it stems from vanity, combined with little natural affection, which Their mourning appears barbaric, brutal, and unrestrained. Aesop knew this very well when he told the story of Jupiter showing respect to the gods because it seems that Grief also has its demands, and it was considered proven that it will be respected, but only by those who choose to do so of their own free will. And indeed, that is the beginning of sorrow. Everyone initially gives it free access, but once it takes root, gains strength, and becomes familiar, we will not be able to drive it out even with our best efforts. Therefore, we must resist it at its first appearance; we must not surrender our fortress to it through any external signs, be it clothing, shaving our heads, or any other such signs of painful weakness. This daily presence wounds us gradually with a frivolous timidity, and ultimately weakens the soul so much that it becomes completely oppressed and possessed by sorrow. The poor, timid soul is too afraid to be joyful, go out, or eat and drink in company. This misery is accompanied by a sense of guilt, Neglecting body care and bathing, accompanied by a general aversion to everything related to the dignity of human life is a state of body degradation. In contrast, the soul, when unsettled, needs the support of a strong and healthy body. For even the sharpest edge of soul’s sorrow softens and weakens when the body is calm and relaxed, like a still sea. However, when the body becomes dry and warm due to poor nutrition, to the point where it cannot supply the soul with pleasant and carefree moods, but only emits melancholic vapors and sighs that constantly torment it with sadness and grief, then it becomes difficult for a person (though never more desirable and appropriate) to regain peace of mind after being disturbed by numerous negative influences.
Yet, what is feared the most in this case does not frighten me at all, i.e. visits from unreasonable women who will shed tears and mourn with you, thereby intensifying your sorrow and not allowing it to fade and disappear, either on its own or with the help of others. Because I know well the battle you recently entered into when you offered your assistance. And Teona’s sister stood up against the women who had come rushing in, crying and lamenting, pouring oil on the fire of her suffering. There is no doubt that people, when they see their neighbor’s house on fire, will do their utmost to extinguish it; but when they see a mind burning with intense pain, they bring oil to feed and intensify the flame. When a person’s eye hurts, they must not touch it, even though inflammation provokes them to do so; nor will those close to them interfere in it. But the one who is overwhelmed with grief sits and shows their mood to everyone, like water that anyone can muddy; so that what initially seemed like a slight stinging or insignificant discomfort, with frequent reminders and touching, eventually becomes a great and almost incurable disease. However, I know that you will arm yourself against such adversities.
From Plutarch’s Moralia