“People are not disturbed by things, but by their own interpretations of those things.
Epictetus”
“Being understood by others, connecting with people, and getting answers, developing good and quality relationships is only possible if we know the skill of communication. This means that we should have clear ideas and know how to express our thoughts and feelings, and above all, we should know how to listen. Good communication is crucial because it will enable us to recognize the common good. It will allow us to share the common good with others and turn it into our own experience that can enrich and enhance our lives.”
“According to experts’ estimates, banalities and gossip now occupy as much as 70-80% of our communication space. The communication space is congested and there is less and less possibility for important ideas to reach people. In addition, we do not know or are not aware that only 7% of influence on interlocutors comes from speech, 55% from body language, what we call nonverbal communication, and the remaining 38%” % Paraverbal communication encompasses all possible emotions carried within a person.
Human beings are constantly engaged in a struggle between their animalistic and human side, and in order to maintain clarity about the fundamental ideas of what constitutes natural human behavior, active participation in cultural coexistence is necessary. In ancient Greece, this was achieved through paideia, while in Rome it was through humanitas and humanism during the Renaissance era.
Since culture is a system of relationships and establishing connections that humans primarily integrate within themselves and then project onto the external world, good communication becomes an inevitable foundation for any coexistence.
The idea of non-violence
The golden rule of coexistence advocated by the great Chinese philosopher Confucius (551-479 BC) is identical to Jesus’ message: “Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself.” This emphasizes the conscious attitude of a noble person towards their treatment of others.
In his book, “The Kingdom of God is Within You,” Leo Tolstoy introduced the concept of non-violence as a crucial aspect of human existence and social progress. I believe that there is a deep explanation of the strength and courage found in Jesus’ teachings, which emphasizes the idea of nonviolence, mercy, and love for all people regardless of their differences. Mahatma Gandhi advocated the teaching of ahimsa (nonviolence) as a law that applies to all humans, while himsa (violence) is a law for animals; human dignity requires conscious and willing respect for the laws that relate to it. Therefore, nonviolence is a natural human state, and through violent behavior, a person loses their humane characteristics and primarily harms themselves. In his renowned book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, American psychologist and activist Marshall B. Rosenberg (1934 – 2015) advocates for a type of communication that can help resolve conflicts, enable consensus and agreement, and is also referred to as assertive communication. It should replace the usual unconscious and instinctive struggle for power among people, which occurs through aggressive or passive communication. Rosenberg suggests that we focus on effectively solving problems rather than attacking or belittling others, their views, or beliefs, which only creates lifelong enemies.
Assertive communication is like a diplomatic approach that is enriched with empathy and awareness that other people also have and deserve everything we want and hope for ourselves.
According to Rosenberg, there are two fundamental aspects of nonviolent communication: sincere self-expression and empathetic reception.
This means that in communication, we clearly and self-consciously advocate for our rights and needs, taking care of the feelings and needs of our interlocutors, with the aim of achieving mutual benefit.
To make this possible, it is necessary to know ourselves and firmly represent our needs, but also the needs of others. This can open our eyes to completely new dimensions and possibilities in human relationships.
As for empathy, he says: “It is in our nature to enjoy giving and receiving.” Yesterday we were compassionate. However, we have learned many forms of “communication that alienates us from life”, which lead us to behave and speak in ways that hurt both ourselves and others.
One form of communication that alienates us from life is the use of moralistic judgments that imply that those who do not behave according to our values are bad or wrong.
Communication that alienates us from life also hinders our awareness that we are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.”
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to vague, impersonal forces beyond our control. We see only part of the truth, not the whole truth, and that is why we need communication. Just like when sailing, here too it is possible to navigate only using multiple points, i.e. perspectives and experiences that we exchange with others.
Our viewpoints are very limited due to egocentrism and vanity, i.e. attachment to our own subjective opinions and feelings that are unstable. Rosenberg emphasizes the importance of being aware of our own limitations and the limitations of our thoughts. He also highlights the need for self-knowledge and healthy differentiation of our own feelings and thoughts. This can help us avoid typical communication traps, such as the common “assumption” or failure to check, which can lead to disappointment due to obvious misunderstandings. The ability to express our feelings without attacking or blaming others is a prerequisite for nonviolent communication. Clearly expressing and recognizing feelings will facilitate our connection with others. What others say and do can provide us with inspiration, but it should not be the cause of our feelings, as this would allow external circumstances to manipulate us like puppets. It is also unnatural to consider ourselves responsible for other people’s feelings and to constantly strive to please everyone. This will quickly lead us to percei to offer empathy to others can enable us to remain open and accept their “no,” without perceiving it as rejection. In doing so, the conversation will not be lifeless, but instead will come alive and help us hear the feelings and needs of others even when expressed through silence. A little more attention in communication and a little compassion towards others can significantly enrich our coexistence.
Confucius warns us about the importance of attention and vigilance in our own behavior when he says that we should follow the example of a good person and, in the case of a bad person, first ask ourselves what we don’t like about them. A good example is much more useful than criticism, and a noble person always pays attention to their behavior. These truths of life are the great secrets of life. And we can wonder how close they are to us and how much we actually care about them.
The technique of communication is experiencing rapid progress today, while paradoxically, there is a growing decline in etiquette. Etiquette has degenerated to such an extent that politeness is almost equated with something artificial and inauthentic. However, the word etiquette originally signifies “good manners” or the right measure in interacting with other people, which leads to closeness and harmony.
If there is no conscious effort on the part of individuals, as well as the entire community, to cultivate politeness, a society will emerge in which instinctual behavior will prevail, accompanied by distrust, misunderstanding, and intolerance. Reviving the etiquette that is needed entails mutual listening, respect, acceptance, understanding, trust, honesty, and respect… As such, it is a fundamental precondition for healthy interpersonal relationships that lead to reducing tension and conflicts in society.
Nonviolent communication, as discussed by Rosenberg, is humanizing because it strengthens our The ability to remain human beings even in difficult circumstances. It is not something new, it is just a reminder of the civilizational heritage towards which we should treat each other as humans. Because offensive behavior builds walls, while polite and friendly behavior opens windows and doors to a healthy coexistence.